and my nose jewels Isaiah 3:21
(Nose jewels... those aren't boogers I hope)
That's right! I said cars as in automobiles
(Those tires in Isaiah must be a sight! Round like the moon!)
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Does the
Bible Really Say That? Updated 10/23/05 |
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There
are some very strange and some very silly sounding things in the King James
Version of the Bible. As I read my Bible I made a list of the things that
made me smile and the things that surprised me. Some are kind of silly and
some are kind of icky.
I picked out a variety of them to get my
Sunday School students interested in reading their Bibles. I had them look
them up one at a time. Then we examined the scriptures before and after them
to try to discover the actual meanings.
NOTE: Not all are appropriate for all ages.
|
| God sneezes Exodus 15:8 |
| God's name is Jealous Exodus 34:14 |
| A donkey speaks Numbers 22:28 |
| Clapping in anger Numbers 24:10 |
| Those crucified are accursed of God Deuteronomy 21:22-23 |
| No cross-dressing (but men wore clothes that looked like dresses) Deuteronomy 22:5 |
| Wearing polyester/cotton blend fabric is against Jewish law Deuteronomy 22:11 |
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| God drinks wine Judges 9:13 |
| Beer in Bible Judges 9:21 |
| A man named Dodo Judges 10:1 |
| God uses a man who was the son of an entire town of men Judges 11:1 |
| People speak with noticeable accents (Y'all don't say!) Judges 12:6 |
| God catches words 1Samuel 3:19 |
| Golden hemorrhoids are given as an offering (No thanks, I'll pass) 1Samuel 6:4 |
| God holds rehearsals 1Samuel 8:21 |
| God refers to things as stuff 1Samuel 10:22 |
| King Saul is a giant 1Samuel 10:23 |
| Men pee on walls 1Samuel 25:34 |
| A man cuts around five pounds (200 shekels) of hair off his head every year 2Samuel 14:27 |
| The same hairy guy gets his hair caught in a tree and gets pulled off his mule 2Samuel 18:9 |
| A queen commits forgery 1Kings 21:8 |
| Don't make God mad! Smoke might come out of His nose and fire out of His mouth! 2Samuel 22:9 |
| A man is named Dodo 2Samuel 23:9 |
| A town is called Dan Jaan (pronounced Don Juan) 2Samuel 24:6 |
| Ever hear the saying that somebody is talking about you if your "ears tingle"? 2Kings 21:12 |
|
Men wash
dishes (I'd like to see that!)
2Kings 21:13
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| God's eyes have legs 2Chronicles 16:9 |
| Levites play cards 2Chronicles 19:11 |
| Praise kills 2Chronicles 20:21-24 |
| Blushing in front of God Ezra 9:6 |
| Ever ask yourself for advice? Nehemiah 5:7 |
| Nehemiah dances the Twist (was Chubby Checker there?) Nehemiah 5:13 |
| People are plucked bald Nehemiah 13:25 |
| Wicked men get fat and get cellulite Job 15:27 |
| God eats people with his nose Job 4:9 |
| Job wants to know who will give him a "high five" Job 17:3 |
| Burglars (Quick! Dial 911!) Job 24:16 |
| Job's brothers are dragons Job 30:29 |
| God says, "Ha Ha" Job 39:25 |
| God uses his eyelids to examine people Psalm 11:4 |
| God has wings Psalm 17:8 |
| God smokes Psalm 18:8 |
| Gates and doors have heads Psalm 24:9 |
| King David is a horse Psalm 39:1 |
| God collects tears in bottles (And over here is my tear collection....) Psalm 56:8 |
| Call the dog pound! My enemies are barking! Psalm 59:6 |
| Do they excuse themselves when they burp? Psalm 59:7 |
| God laughs Psalm 59:8 |
| Help! I'm trapped under my own tongue! Psalm 64:8 |
| Did he use Minoxidil to grow more hair? Psalm 68:21 |
| Stay in your house! There are tongues walking around outside! Psalm 73:9 |
| God's temples are friendly Psalm 84:1 |
| Ears are planted on the head (do they start from seeds?) Psalm 92:9 |
| Unicorns do exist Psalm 92:10 |
| Better call the fire department! Psalm 104:32 |
| I'll be back. I'm going down to the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley... Song of Solomon 6:11 |
|
Before I go out to dinner I need to go get my wimples and my crisping
pins
Isaiah 3:22 and my nose jewels Isaiah 3:21 (Nose jewels... those aren't boogers I hope) |
| Gates have feelings, too Isaiah 3:26 |
| God hires a barber and shaves hairy feet Isaiah 7:20 |
| "Y'all come down and see me, yuh hear?" Speaking in southern drawl Isaiah 14:8 |
| How embarrassing! Passing gas Isaiah 26:18 |
| I guess they didn't have king-sized beds in those days Isaiah 28:20 |
| God does strange work Isaiah 28:21 |
| Garden of cucumbers (What? No tomatoes?) Isaiah 1:8 |
| Hide! It's a flying, fire-breathing snake! Isaiah 30:6 |
| God has a stove Isaiah 31:9 |
| Stuttering Isaiah 32:4 |
| Eating & drinking really gross stuff Isaiah 36:12 |
| God creates evil Isaiah 45:7 |
| Don't look! God's arm is naked Isaiah 52:10 |
| How rude to stick out your tongue and make a face! Isaiah 57:4 |
| Shame shame! Giving the finger (the bird) Isaiah 58:9 |
| God passes gas Isaiah 63:15 |
| Yummy, a soup made with abominable things Isaiah 65:4 |
| Gad-about Jeremiah 2:36 |
| Hands on head (someone under arrest?) Jeremiah 2:37 |
| Face painting Jeremiah 4:30 |
| Men are lustful horses Jeremiah 5:8 |
| God is black Jeremiah 8:21 |
| Dragons do exist Psalm 148:7; Jeremiah 9:11 |
| Eyelids gush with waters (need a box of tissues?) Jeremiah 9:18 |
| Close your eyes, there are people with skirts over their heads Jeremiah 13:26 |
| Tongue lashing Jeremiah 18:18 |
| Ears shall tingle Jeremiah 19:3 |
| Don't take advantage of your neighbor Jeremiah 22:13 |
| Man buried with an ass's funeral (Do donkeys go to heaven?) Jeremiah 22:19 |
| Figs are naughty Jeremiah 24:2 |
| God tells people to get drunk, throw up, and fall down Jeremiah 25:27 |
| Eat a sour grape Jeremiah 31:29 |
| God gets up early Jeremiah 32:33 |
| Walk in vomit (take your shoes off before you come in my house!) Jeremiah 48:26 |
| Where do dragons live? Jeremiah 49:33; 51:37 |
| Horses are like rough caterpillars Jeremiah 51:27 |
| Posts run to meet each other Jeremiah 51:31 |
| Someone's liver falls out (Is there a doctor in the house?) Lamentations 2:11 |
| People have their hearts in their hands Lamentations 3:41 |
| Let's play musical chairs Lamentations 3:63 |
| Everybody out of the water! Sea monsters! Lamentations 4:3 |
| Smelling armpits (were they checking their deoderant?) Lamentations 4:20 |
| Aliens are in the houses Lamentations 5:2 |
| Necks are persecuted (What did they do?) Lamentations 5:5 |
| Dung bread (Oh, yummy) Ezekiel 4:12,15 |
| Call the doctor, someone has branch on their nose! Ezekiel 8:17 |
| God wears a skirt Ezekiel 16:8 |
| God's temple has a profane place Ezekiel 42:20 |
| Priests cannot dress too warmly (I don't know... summer in the desert is pretty warm!) Ezekiel 44:18 |
| Want to move to the suburbs? Ezekiel 45:2 |
| I'm in the band and I play the "sackbut" Daniel 3:10 |
| Do I hear someone's knees knocking? Daniel 5:6 |
| Men kiss calves (Darling, you have such a lovely, wet nose) Hosea 13:2; 14:2 |
| No dentists needed here Amos 4:6 |
| Bald eagle mentioned Micah 1:16 |
| What do emptiers empty? Nahum 2:2 |
| A skirt over someone's face Nahum 3:5 |
| How would you like to live in a town named "No"? Nahum 3:8 |
| A new creation theory: Reverse evolution Habakkuk 1:14 |
| If someone bites you do you turn into their booties? Habakkuk 2:7 |
| God blows a trumpet Zechariah 9:11 |
| Corn makes men cheerful Zechariah 9:17 |
| God punishes goats Zech 10:3 |
| God turns goats into horses (Well, they were bad goats!) Zechariah 10:3 |
| Jesus was saluted (At ease, soldier!) Mark 9:15 |
| Paparazzi (That's right! Photographers!) Luke 8:19 |
| Oh no! A book burning! Acts 19:19 |
| Call the National Guard, it's a riot! Acts 19:29-34 |
| Hoping to get bribed Acts 24:26 |
| Paul must be from the southern part of the United States. He says, "I reckon...." Romans 8:18 |
| Aliens (from Mars?) Hebrews 11:34 |
| You have loins in your head 1Pet 1:13 |
| I'm peculiar and I don't care who knows it! 2 Peter 2:9; Titus 2:14 |
|
CARS That's right! I said cars as in automobiles |
| Hood Is 3:23 |
| Bonnet (the hood in England) Is 3:23 |
|
Tires
Is 3:18; Eze
24:23 (Those tires in Isaiah must be a sight! Round like the moon!) |
| Mufflers Is 3:19 |
| The apostles drove a Honda Accord Acts 19:29 |
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