Does the Bible Really Say That?
Updated 10/23/05
There are some very strange and some very silly sounding things in the King James Version of the Bible. As I read my Bible I made a list of the things that made me smile and the things that surprised me. Some are kind of silly and some are kind of icky.

I picked out a variety of them to get my Sunday School students interested in reading their Bibles. I had them look them up one at a time. Then we examined the scriptures before and after them to try to discover the actual meanings.
NOTE: Not all are appropriate for all ages.

God sneezes Exodus 15:8
God's name is Jealous Exodus 34:14
A donkey speaks Numbers 22:28
Clapping in anger Numbers 24:10
Those crucified are accursed of God Deuteronomy 21:22-23
No cross-dressing (but men wore clothes that looked like dresses) Deuteronomy 22:5
Wearing polyester/cotton blend fabric is against Jewish law Deuteronomy 22:11


God drinks wine Judges 9:13
Beer in Bible  Judges 9:21
 A man named Dodo  Judges 10:1
 God uses a man who was the son of an entire town of men  Judges 11:1
 People speak with noticeable accents (Y'all don't say!)  Judges 12:6
God catches words 1Samuel 3:19
Golden hemorrhoids are given as an offering (No thanks, I'll pass) 1Samuel 6:4
God holds rehearsals 1Samuel 8:21
God refers to things as stuff 1Samuel 10:22
King Saul is a giant 1Samuel 10:23
Men pee on walls 1Samuel 25:34
A man cuts around five pounds (200 shekels) of hair off his head every year 2Samuel 14:27
The same hairy guy gets his hair caught in a tree and gets pulled off his mule 2Samuel 18:9
A queen commits forgery 1Kings 21:8
Don't make God mad!  Smoke might come out of His nose and fire out of His mouth! 2Samuel 22:9
A man is named Dodo 2Samuel 23:9
A town is called Dan Jaan (pronounced Don Juan)  2Samuel 24:6
Ever hear the saying that somebody is talking about you if your "ears tingle"?  2Kings 21:12
Men wash dishes (I'd like to see that!) 2Kings 21:13Smiley Face
God's eyes have legs 2Chronicles 16:9
Levites play cards 2Chronicles 19:11
Praise kills 2Chronicles 20:21-24
Blushing in front of God Ezra 9:6
Ever ask yourself for advice? Nehemiah 5:7
Nehemiah dances the Twist (was Chubby Checker there?) Nehemiah 5:13
People are plucked bald Nehemiah 13:25
Wicked men get fat and get cellulite Job 15:27
God eats people with his nose Job 4:9
Job wants to know who will give him a "high five" Job 17:3
Burglars (Quick!  Dial 911!)  Job 24:16
Job's brothers are dragons Job 30:29
God says, "Ha Ha" Job 39:25
God uses his eyelids to examine people Psalm 11:4
God has wings Psalm 17:8
God smokes Psalm 18:8
Gates and doors have heads Psalm 24:9
King David is a horse Psalm 39:1
God collects tears in bottles (And over here is my tear collection....)  Psalm 56:8
Call the dog pound!  My enemies are barking! Psalm 59:6
Do they excuse themselves when they burp? Psalm 59:7
God laughs Psalm 59:8
Help!  I'm trapped under my own tongue! Psalm 64:8
Did he use Minoxidil to grow more hair? Psalm 68:21
Stay in your house!  There are tongues walking around outside! Psalm 73:9
God's temples are friendly Psalm 84:1
Ears are planted on the head (do they start from seeds?) Psalm 92:9
Unicorns do exist Psalm 92:10
Better call the fire department! Psalm 104:32
I'll be back.  I'm going down to the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley... Song of Solomon 6:11
Before I go out to dinner I need to go get my wimples and my crisping pins Isaiah 3:22
and my nose jewels Isaiah 3:21
(Nose jewels... those aren't boogers I hope)
Gates have feelings, too Isaiah 3:26
God hires a barber and shaves hairy feet Isaiah 7:20
"Y'all come down and see me, yuh hear?"  Speaking in southern drawl Isaiah 14:8
How embarrassing!  Passing gas Isaiah 26:18
I guess they didn't have king-sized beds in those days Isaiah 28:20
God does strange work Isaiah 28:21
Garden of cucumbers (What?  No tomatoes?) Isaiah 1:8
Hide!  It's a flying, fire-breathing snake! Isaiah 30:6
God has a stove Isaiah 31:9
Stuttering Isaiah 32:4
Eating & drinking really gross stuff Isaiah 36:12
God creates evil Isaiah 45:7
Don't look!  God's arm is naked Isaiah 52:10
How rude to stick out your tongue and make a face! Isaiah 57:4
Shame shame!  Giving the finger (the bird) Isaiah 58:9
God passes gas Isaiah 63:15
Yummy, a soup made with abominable things Isaiah 65:4
Gad-about Jeremiah 2:36
Hands on head (someone under arrest?) Jeremiah 2:37
Face painting Jeremiah 4:30
Men are lustful horses Jeremiah 5:8
God is black Jeremiah 8:21
Dragons do exist Psalm 148:7; Jeremiah 9:11
Eyelids gush with waters (need a box of tissues?) Jeremiah 9:18
Close your eyes, there are people with skirts over their heads Jeremiah 13:26
Tongue lashing Jeremiah 18:18
Ears shall tingle Jeremiah 19:3
Don't take advantage of your neighbor Jeremiah 22:13
Man buried with an ass's funeral (Do donkeys go to heaven?) Jeremiah 22:19
Figs are naughty Jeremiah 24:2
God tells people to get drunk, throw up, and fall down Jeremiah 25:27
Eat a sour grape Jeremiah 31:29
God gets up early Jeremiah 32:33
Walk in vomit (take your shoes off before you come in my house!) Jeremiah 48:26
Where do dragons live? Jeremiah 49:33; 51:37
Horses are like rough caterpillars Jeremiah 51:27
Posts run to meet each other Jeremiah 51:31
Someone's liver falls out (Is there a doctor in the house?) Lamentations 2:11
People have their hearts in their hands Lamentations 3:41
Let's play musical chairs Lamentations 3:63
Everybody out of the water!  Sea monsters! Lamentations 4:3
Smelling armpits (were they checking their deoderant?)  Lamentations 4:20
Aliens are in the houses Lamentations 5:2
Necks are persecuted (What did they do?) Lamentations 5:5
Dung bread (Oh, yummy) Ezekiel 4:12,15
Call the doctor, someone has branch on their nose! Ezekiel 8:17
God wears a skirt Ezekiel 16:8
God's temple has a profane place Ezekiel 42:20
Priests cannot dress too warmly (I don't know... summer in the desert is pretty warm!) Ezekiel 44:18
Want to move to the suburbs? Ezekiel 45:2
I'm in the band and I play the "sackbut" Daniel 3:10
Do I hear someone's knees knocking? Daniel 5:6
Men kiss calves (Darling, you have such a lovely, wet nose) Hosea 13:2; 14:2
No dentists needed here Amos 4:6
Bald eagle mentioned  Micah 1:16
What do emptiers empty? Nahum 2:2
A skirt over someone's face Nahum 3:5
How would you like to live in a town named "No"?  Nahum 3:8
A new creation theory:  Reverse evolution Habakkuk 1:14
If someone bites you do you turn into their booties? Habakkuk 2:7
God blows a trumpet Zechariah 9:11
Corn makes men cheerful Zechariah 9:17
God punishes goats Zech 10:3
God turns goats into horses  (Well, they were bad goats!)  Zechariah 10:3
Jesus was saluted (At ease, soldier!) Mark 9:15
Paparazzi (That's right!  Photographers!) Luke 8:19
Oh no!  A book burning! Acts 19:19
Call the National Guard, it's a riot! Acts 19:29-34
Hoping to get bribed Acts 24:26
Paul must be from the southern part of the United States.  He says, "I reckon...." Romans 8:18
Aliens (from Mars?) Hebrews 11:34
You have loins in your head  1Pet 1:13
I'm peculiar and I don't care who knows it!  2 Peter 2:9; Titus 2:14
That's right! I said cars as in automobiles
Hood  Is 3:23
Bonnet  (the hood in England)  Is 3:23
Tires  Is 3:18; Eze 24:23
(Those tires in Isaiah must be a sight!  Round like the moon!)
Mufflers  Is 3:19
The apostles drove a Honda Accord Acts 19:29


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