(AND A FEW TWO-LINERS)
These are a mixture of humorous and serious one-liners.
Above nine one liners contributed by Sandy Stenman
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar
is not called a racist?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Above nine one liners contributed by Yvette Kruse
It is wonderful what God can do with a broken heart, if He gets all the pieces.
When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you.
One good thing
about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Oh Lord, help me to keep my big mouth shut until I know what I'm talking about.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there!
Don't waste time on what might have been, just lie on your back and float.
It is a small world, but I wouldn't like to have
to paint it.
When God closes a door He opens a window.
It is hard to
understand how a cemetery can raise its burial charges
Above nine one liners contributed by Billye Jean
Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO
and goods sent in a freight
car are called a SHIPMENT?
CHURCH MARQUEE SIGNS
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.Above nine one liners contributed by Kelley Cochrun
Under same management for over 2000 years!
Soul food served here.
Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!
Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.
It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand?
A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.
Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!
Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.
To belittle is to be little.
Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
God answers knee-mail.
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
Above nine one liners contributed by Wayne & Connie Cochrun
Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels,
Hark and Harold.
Everybody's got it all wrong
Angels don't wear halos anymore
I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
It's not easy to become an angel
First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven,
and then there's still the flight training
to go through. And then you got to agree
to wear those angel clothes.
Angels work for God and watch over
kids when God has to go do something else.
My guardian angel helps me with math,
but he's not much good for science.
Angels don't eat,
but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
Angels talk all the way while
they're flying you up to heaven.
The main subject is where
you went wrong before you got dead.
When an angel gets mad,
he takes a deep breath and counts to ten.
And when he lets out his breath again,
somewhere there's a tornado.
Angels have a lot to do
and they keep very busy.
If you lose a tooth, an angel
comes in through your window and
leaves money under your pillow.
Then when it gets cold,
angels go south for the winter.
Angels live in cloud houses
made by God and his son,
who's a very good carpenter.
All angels are girls because
they gotta wear dresses
and boys didn't go for it.
My angel is my grandma who died last year.
She got a big head start on helping
me while she was still down here on earth.
Some of the angels are in charge
of helping heal sick animals and pets.
And if they don't make the animals
get better, they help the child get over it.
What I don't get about angels is why,
when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Contributed by Yvette Kruse
IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
Contributed by Charlie Meyerett