SmileONE LINERSSmile
(AND A FEW TWO-LINERS)
These are a mixture of humorous and serious one-liners.
Updated 4/30/13



pun [puhn] noun
1. the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic... It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.

Above nine one liners contributed by Sandy Stenman



Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
windmill and family

 

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
a piano player

 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
coffee being poured out of a pot

 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Above nine one liners contributed by Yvette Kruse 


It is wonderful what God can do with a broken heart, if He gets all the pieces.
Puzzle shaped like a heart
 

 

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you.

Jumping dog


  When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.
Cat jumping on bed


One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Laughing and dancing tiger


Oh Lord, help me to keep my big mouth shut until I know what I'm talking about. Man zipping his mouth shut


Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there!

 Train


Don't waste time on what might have been, just lie on your back and float. Cat sleeping in a hammock


It is a small world, but I wouldn't like to have
to paint it.

Globe


When God closes a door He opens a window. Open window


It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial charges
and blame it on the cost of living.

cemetary

Above nine one liners contributed by Billye Jean 



Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO
Cargo Ship

 

Contributed by Kay Nelson

 

and goods sent in a freight car are called a SHIPMENT?

Freight Train


Church marquee
 
CHURCH MARQUEE SIGNS
 
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Under same management for over 2000 years!

Soul food served here.

Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!

Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.

What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides.  God multiplies and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
 
Above nine one liners contributed by Kelley Cochrun


Ponder These
 
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Man fishing
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
 
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
Mosquito

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.  Smile

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
?
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Airplane controls
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

 

Above nine one liners contributed by Wayne & Connie Cochrun

 

Angels
Explained By Children

I only know the names of two angels,
Hark and Harold.

Everybody's got it all wrong
Angels don't wear halos anymore
I forget why, but scientists are working on it.

It's not easy to become an angel
First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven,
and then there's still the flight training
to go through. And then you got to agree
to wear those angel clothes.

Angels work for God and watch over
kids when God has to go do something else.

My guardian angel helps me with math,
but he's not much good for science.

Angels don't eat,
but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!

Angels talk all the way while
they're flying you up to heaven.
The main subject is where
you went wrong before you got dead.

When an angel gets mad,
he takes a deep breath and counts to ten.
And when he lets out his breath again,
somewhere there's a tornado.

Angels have a lot to do
and they keep very busy.
If you lose a tooth, an angel
comes in through your window and
leaves money under your pillow.
Then when it gets cold,
angels go south for the winter.

Angels live in cloud houses
made by God and his son,
who's a very good carpenter.

All angels are girls because
they gotta wear dresses
and boys didn't go for it.

My angel is my grandma who died last year.
 She got a big head start on helping
me while she was still down here on earth.

Some of the angels are in charge
of helping heal sick animals and pets.
And if they don't make the animals
get better, they help the child get over it.

What I don't get about angels is why,
when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

Contributed by Yvette Kruse

 


PROFUNDITIES

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

Contributed by Charlie Meyerett


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