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FUNNY
STORIES AND MORE |
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FUNNY
STORIES AND MORE |
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The River |
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Playing Church |
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Rehabilitating Parrots |
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Help for Our Senior Citizens |
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A Child Describes God |
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Bible Stories, as Interpreted by Children |
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God vs. Satan |
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God is Like... |
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Bible Quiz |
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Which Service? |
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Baptist Dog |
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What Prints in the Sand? |
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The Bible in 50 Words |
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Jesus Sees You |
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Money |
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Noah's Ark |
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The Cajun Ten Commandments |
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Three Ministers |
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Science vs. God |
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Evolution Explained |
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Which Nuts? |
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Kids' Views of Spiritual Things |
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A Man and a Cliff |
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Kids |
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The Limo Driver |
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The Painter |
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Computer Test |
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Atheist's Holiday |
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Driving Dad's Car |
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The
River
A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
Author unknown Contributed by Billye Jeane |
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PLAYING CHURCH
Cindy's Mother looked out the window and noticed her 'playing church' with their
cat. She had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and
went about her work.
Author unknown Contributed by Thomas Morris |
REHABILITATING PARROTS
A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have two female parrots that only know how to say one thing." Author unknown Contributed by Carol Cook |
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GOD VS. SATAN
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds so man and woman would live long and healthy lives. And satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And satan said to man, "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Super size them." And man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And satan froze the yogurt and he brought forth chocolate, nuts, and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained pounds. And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he also created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...And satan created HMOs. Contributed by my oldest son |
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GOD IS LIKE A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results: GOD IS LIKE: BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles.  GOD IS LIKE: a FORD He's got a better idea.  GOD IS LIKE: COKE He's the real thing.  GOD IS LIKE: HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best.  GOD IS LIKE: TIDE He gets the stains out that others leave behind.  GOD IS LIKE: GENERAL ELECTRIC He brings good things to life.  GOD IS LIKE: SEARS He has everything.  GOD IS LIKE: ALKA-SELTZER Try him, you'll like Him.  GOD IS LIKE: SCOTCH TAPE You can't see him, but you know He's there.  GOD IS LIKE: DELTA He's ready when you are.  GOD IS LIKE: ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him.  GOD IS LIKE: VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.  GOD IS LIKE: DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?  GOD IS LIKE: The U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination. 
Contributed by Wayne Cochrun |
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BIBLE QUIZ Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Contributed by Steve Thom |
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Which Service?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."  "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" Contributed by Pat Chappel |
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Baptist Dog A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog stood on its hind legs, placed its paws on the pastor's forehead, and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "We've bought a Pentecostal dog!"
Contributed by Yvette Kruse |
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What Prints in the Sand?
One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there was seen, The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared... And I asked the Lord, "What have we here? Those prints are large and round and neat, But Lord, they are too big for feet." "My child," He said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait." "You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of faith you would not know... So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt." "Because in life there comes a time When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand." 
Contributed by Gloria Welch |
The Bible in 50 Words
God made
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A burglar had been watching a
house in Indiana for a few days and was sure that the people were away, so
one night he went up to the door, rang the doorbell, and upon getting no
response, he picked the lock and let himself in.
Once inside, he turned on his
flashlight and to his surprise he heard a voice say,
"I see you and Jesus sees you!"
He turned instantly toward the
voice and then he laughed because his flashlight revealed a parrot
in a cage who once again said,
"I see you and Jesus sees you!" 
Now relieved, he turned on the
light in the room and looking back at the bird, he again became alarmed.
Below the cage was a Doberman pincher.
And then, the parrot said,
"Sic 'em, Jesus!"
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One day, a one dollar
bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and began talking about
their life experiences.
The hundred dollar
bill began to brag: "I've had a great life," he said. "I've been to all the
big hotels, Donald Trump himself used me at his casino, I've been in the
wallets of
Fortune 500 board members, I've flown from one end of the country to the
other! I've even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States,
and once when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of
gum."
In awe, the dollar
humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever happened to me, ...but I
have been to church a lot!"
Contributed by Gloria Welch |
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The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years." Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?" "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has." More about the ark:
Submitted by Kelley Cochrun More about the ark |
 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else. 9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff. 
Contributed by Al Cunningham
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Three ministers waited at
the Pearly Gates. The first in line was the Presbyterian and
his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you
in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You
loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter
waved sadly, and
POOF
Down the chute to the "Other Place" they went.
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You 
abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much.
You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St.
Peter waved again, and
WHANG
down the chute
went the Methodists.
The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't lookin' good, Fanny." Contributed by Yvette Kruse |
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God was sitting in heaven
one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in
other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man." "Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt." Contributed by Pat Chappel |
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One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher chose a
little boy.
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
A little 6 year old girl spoke up and inquired if she could also ask the
boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Contributed by Gloria Welch |
On the outskirts of town,
there was a big old pecan tree by the
 cemetery
fence. One day two boys sat down by the tree, out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me
said one boy. As they counted, several were dropped and rolled down toward
the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he He jumped back on his bike
and rode off!
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. The
boy said The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" The boy frantically insisted and the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered "Boy, you're right! Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything.
The
old man Contributed by Pat Chappel |
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A little girl
was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very
large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale. Contributed by Kelley Cochrun |
To those of
us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle:
Whenever your children are
out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's
omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven
and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have Forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" asked the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk and then spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and be quiet. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home. 
Finally, if you have a lot of
tension and have a headache do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!
Contributed by Al Cunningham |
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still
standing on the curb.
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There was a
tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making
a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it
go a wee bit further.
 As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down,
Contributed by
Joel Meyerett
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Contributed by Joel Meyerett |
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father, an evangelist, if he could use his father's car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car." After about six weeks, the son approached his father and pointed out that he had brought his grades up, been studying his Bible, and had even participated more in Bible study. His father told him, "You've done a great job and I'm very proud of you. However, you still haven't gotten your hair cut." Without hesitation, the young man said, "I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."  His father nodded in agreement and said, "Yes, this is true. However, in your studies, did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?" Contributed by Wayne Cochrun |
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.  The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"  Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Contributed by Sandy Stenman |
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Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Contributed by Charlie Meyerett |
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will!" Contributed by Charlie Meyerett |
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Math in the Church
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." Contributed by Sandy Stenman |
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heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's satan
and the
Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery!! 
"Come here quick!! You won't believe what I heard. satan
and the Lord are
down at the cemetery dividing up souls." 
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of satan. At last they heard, "One
for you, one for me and last one is for you. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done. They say the old guy made it
back to town 5 minutes before the boy! 
