Did something go wrong? Did anything go right?
Once I realized that Bug wasn't going to come walking up the hill in the
back yard from where I buried him I started to ask questions.
What did I do wrong?
Where did I get off track?
Didn't I have enough faith?
Was it how I prayed?
What should I have done differently?
Did I imagine I heard God's voice?
I now have some answers on why Bug died. God often wants to do
something but doesn't because of people's attitudes.
I can give you an example. One time in church God gave a Word.
It was that He was there with us to heal us. Wow! I got excited!
I had some things wrong with me that I wanted healed. One thing I had
was a type of blister on my retina. The ophthalmologist had told me
that they often went away but mine didn't. The doctor couldn't zap it
with a laser, the normal "cure", because it was right in the middle and
might cause damage to my sight.
I began to thank God for the healing and giving Him praise. I opened
my eye now and then to see if my eye was healed. It didn't get healed.
I didn't hear anyone else saying they were healed of anything. As
weeks went by nobody had any praise reports of healing.
I asked God why nobody was healed. He told me it was because of the
people that were there. They didn't have enough faith to believe so it
wouldn't have made a difference to them to have anyone healed. That is
a sad state of affairs! In that case God didn't move because of the
hearts of the people.
It's possible there weren't enough people that would be affected positively
from the miracle of Bug's healing. Maybe there was too much doubt or
unbelief.
Perhaps the vet really didn't try hard to help Bug to live. Perhaps
just the vet's attitude was enough to cause the miracle of life to
disappear. I don't know. I do know he was furious with me for
not putting Bug down.
God often gives people the job of praying things into existence. We
are the Body of Christ. Compare it to your own body. Your little
finger doesn't think about what needs to be done. It doesn't pump the
blood to the parts of the body that need it. It doesn't walk you over
to where something needs to be done.
Your little finger helps your other fingers to lift, grab, squeeze, etc.
Your little finger is dependent on the other parts of your body to keep it
alive and well.
It's the same with the Body of Christ. All parts need to be working
together to get a job done. If the other parts of the Body aren't
paying attention to the job they are to be doing then things don't get done
that God wants done.
Perhaps the times my faith was wavering were because someone wasn't praying
that it wouldn't. This I don't know for sure in this particular
situation. However, I do know that some things God wants done are not
happening because the different parts of the Body are not seeking what He
would have them be doing.
Also, I had asked the vet to pray. Perhaps he refused.
Here's a story
about a woman who was faithful to pray as the Lord led her and a man's life
was saved.
I believe I may have made a mistake by seeking guidance from people via emails.
I was looking for guidance from the mailing lists, especially the Elijah
List. I had never been a part of a miracle and I had read in the past
about miracles taking place in locations where some of those writers had
been.
I thought maybe they could give me direction, encouragement, or some kind of
help. I even wrote to three of the authors that sent out mailings that
I felt had to do with what I was going through at the time.
That may have demonstrated to God that I didn't have my faith completely in
Him.
I also may have lost some focus when I kept trying to find the right
combination of words, the right way to pray, and the specifics of how God
"needed me to help". I kept thinking that God wasn't focused on the
specific words I used to speak life, but I wasn't sure.
Since I am a detail-oriented person I have a tendency on focusing on the
details rather than the big picture. There is a saying that "the devil
is in the details". Maybe that is more true than I realize.
God did show me something before Bug died. He compared the condition
of the Body of Christ to Bug.
The Body of Christ has bones broken so badly they are unusable and have to
be bypassed by artificial means to the joints above and below them.
The Body is not excreting what is bad
for it and it's bowels are backing up. Even it's eyes are poisoned
because it has allowed things that are not of God to remain and grow and
cloud the eyes.
Cysts, things that are not of God, are
being allowed to grow in the Body's kidneys, shutting down the functioning
of the kidneys. The expanding sick kidneys are pushing all the other
organs to the side.
When the Body walks it staggers
because the leg can't support it. The broken leg is making the feet
swell up.
That's just a portion of what is wrong
with the Body. I don't want to think that God tortured Bug to enlighten the
Body of Christ, but it is possible. The Bible
has examples of people being sacrificed to save many others.
I am looking forward to seeing Bug again. If God used him then Bug
should have a special place in heaven.
I'm thinking that perhaps it was important that I step
back into the desert to reevaluate my relationship with God. Perhaps I
was getting too careless in handling the Word, or perhaps I took Him for
granted. That part I really don't know, but it is a possibility.
Shortly after Bug died my prayer partner believes she heard God tell her
that I had passed the test. Was it a test of faith? I don't
know. I do know that I had mustered more faith than I ever thought
possible.
When I was absolutely sure that a dead cat would come back to life that is a
great deal of faith.
I hadn't wanted to get any more cats after Reeboks was gone. However,
Rudi walked into our lives:
He climbed into my youngest son's lap
at a party in June of 2007 and my son brought him home. We fell in love and he stayed.
We named him Rudi after Rudolf Valentino.
He's a real lover and climbs into my
lap for kisses and hugs. He follows me around the house. He even
plays fetch with his favorite toy, a big rubber band.
The interesting thing is he looks a lot like Bug only his fur is longer and
softer and he has a lot more white than the darker colors. He also
loves me more than Bug did. Bug was more stand-offish with me and
loved my sons the most.
So, did God send Rudi to me? I'd
like to think so.
As I am writing this (November 2009) I also have another cat,
Precious.
She is a blessing to me. She and Rudi are the most loving cats I've
ever had. I think this may be a Job type of thing. Job lost his
children and more but God gave Him more children and blessed him with better
things after the trial.
So, did I make a mistake? I don't know. I backed off from the
Clarion Call because I didn't want to risk doing any Bible studies that
weren't approved by God.
I hadn't planned on being gone for over three years. However, it seems
the enemy wanted to keep me occupied with health issues, family issues, and
catastrophes of all kinds. The closer I got to coming back to the
Clarion Call the greater the attacks became.
The last attack that came was the enemy trying to take me back to the trauma
I suffered when Bug died. In May 2009 I got a baby sister for Rudi.
Princess was the sweetest kitten I've ever seen. She followed me all
over, wanted to snuggle with me, and gave me tiny kitten kisses on my nose.
I just can't describe how much I loved her.
I named her Princess Kathryn after my mother whom I lost under very bad
circumstances earlier in the year.
When she was six months old she got sick. Because my vet misdiagnosed
her illness (I wrote all about it
here) I witnessed Princess dying in my
arms. She cried out with the death howl that Bug had cried. Her
bowels had backed up and her internal organs were being crushed just like
Bug's had been. I believe that was the enemy trying to knock me down
as low as I was back in July 2006. All the same symptoms Bug had were
duplicated in Princess in a shocking manner.
It was a horrible blow to me. I had not wanted to get more cats after
Reeboks
died because I didn't want to suffer any more pain. The loss of
Princess was excruciating. The fact that I named her after my mother
only made it worse!
It didn't work! I bounced back up and the Clarion Call opened for
business on schedule! I believe Princess Kathryn is in Heaven with my
mother and is giving her
soft little kitten kisses on her nose and wrapping her little body around
her in a kitten hug.
If I was the one who made a mistake I'm praying that my time in the desert
reflecting has eliminated the source of that mistake.
If the problem was because other members of the Body of Christ didn't help
the miracle along then all I can do is keep open to the words that God wants
me to use to teach the Body what it should be doing.
The end? Only God knows that. |
